1. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
2. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
3. Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
4. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
5. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
6. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
7. Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!
8. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
9. Money talks …but all mine ever says is good-bye.
10. Two wrongs don’t make a right, take your parents as an example.
11. Team work is important; it helps you put the blame on someone else.
12. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
13. Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer… I saw the video… we need to talk.
14. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise .
15. Funny how we need to talk really means you need to listen.
16. Nothing ruins a Friday more than realizing that it’s Tuesday.
17. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an a**hole.
18. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
19. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
20. Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
21. Is google a woman? Because it won’t let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.
22. Isn’t it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.
23. I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
24. My job is secure. No one else wants it.
25. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
26. That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent.”
27. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
28. Materialism: buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter.
29. A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
30. You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.