When To Let Go And When To Try Harder

Eventually, we all reach the crossroad of moving on or trying harder. While it’s difficult to go either way, the decision is what is more perplexing. Sometimes you can’t just let things be, and other times things really do just have to work themselves out. But how do we know the difference?

Well, we often don’t, and that’s the most important part. The process of figuring out what we can’t change and when it’s time to move on is the actual process of doing so. Because while you can’t change things when they are largely the decisions of others, your actions can change the mind’s of those people. How do you know when the universe will work it out and how do you know when it’s time for you to start ironing out the kinks? You don’t until you’ve tried.

It’s time to move on when you have tried to change things, but to no avail. It’s time to let the  higher being or whatever it is you do or don’t believe in figure things out– and have faith in the funny little way that life tends to bring and take what we need at just the right times. But regardless of where you are in the journey, you have to keep trying until there is no other option. And that’s what’s going to be so incredible and humbling about when you finally realize it’s time to let go. Because you’ve been down to your knees and you don’t have anything more to give. That is what is going to bring you to a place of having something to let go of. It’s only then that the universe will take over. Trust it. Do it. You will find the “wisdom to know the difference” at the end.

 

Most times, I tend to be lost and don’t know what to do, especially when have exhausted myself to make a difference in my life. Since I got to the UK, have been blessed and favoured to work with a popular multinational company. But it is not enough for me, because I want a better position. Since am a graduate of double degrees, I applied for a managerial position several times, I get denied each time. I told myself the net time I apply and still denied, I was going to leave. But I remembered what my dad always tell me. Be grateful for humble beginnings. If it doesn’t work there, let it go. It will work in another place and in due time.

Have moved on, so can you.

Physical Appearance Should Not Be The Most Attractive Thing About You

I am not sure of you but in my opinion, the most attractive people are the ones who know that their physical appearance isn’t the most attractive thing about them. They have a certain kind of confidence, they’re usually more fun to hang out with, and they’re the kind of people who are ready to love you for who you are. Not what you are.

Body image is no light subject. There are people who are suffering legitimate illnesses, mental and physical, relating to how they appear.

At the bare minimum, I assume, everybody feels as though they are sub-par at some point, in some way. I am in no way trying to diminish the suffering that people experience regarding their physical appearances. I just hope that, if even for a few minutes, you can hear me out.

I think that attraction that is not physical can end up being physical eventually, when you really grow to care about someone. Listen, I’m not going to kid and say personal grooming and cleanliness aren’t important, they obviously are. But at the end of the day, you need to be with someone who wants you for who you are, and respects how you want to present yourself. Not someone who wants you to look like they want you to.

How you choose to present yourself does say something about you, we can’t pretend it doesn’t. But one of the most powerful things it can say is that you care enough to take care of yourself, but you still know that it’s not the only thing great about you.

It always gets to me when I hear guys admit that they’re ashamed or concerned about their appearance. I guess it’s because I’m so used to hearing girls lament the subject, hearing that guys do as well is both refreshing (whoa, we’re all human? We all feel this way?!) guys you don’t need to be chiseled to be loved or admire. You only need to be confidence in your looks and skin. But equally disturbing because it’s so unfortunate that anyone has to think like that. Guys/Ladies are looking for real, loving, genuine, kick-ass people who lift others up and make them happy. If you are interested in girls (or guys) who are made happy by how in shape you are, it may be time to look elsewhere. (Fact)

The point is, even if you’ll never be able to be completely satisfied with how you look, you don’t have to be to still be a perfectly worthy and beautiful person. Love yourself for everything inside you, and you’ll be able to find someone else who does as well.

Most credit goes to Brianna Weist. My professional and senior colleague.

Image credit Adobe stock

Guest Post: This Is For Anyone Who Feels Like They’re Never Going To Find Their Own Path In Life

If you are someone who is afraid that you’ll never find your path in life, that you’ll never hit your stride, that you’ll never discover what you love, or find a place that feels like home, or a person with whom you want to plant roots — please know that you are not alone.

The things about life is that it doesn’t happen until it happens. We don’t know what we don’t know until we do.

It is so challenging to exist in a space where you are a stranger to yourself, because it makes you feel like the road will never rise up to meet you. It makes you feel like there is no perfect career, there is no perfect partner, there is no perfect city to call your own.

The truth is that what you’re looking for isn’t outside of you, but buried deep within.

You already know your path.

It’s embedded into your cells.

It reveals itself every time you get a twinge in your heart, a feeling of resonance, an interest, a passion, an explosion of emotion.

It is present in every room you are in.

It is with you all of the time.

There is no path to find, because you are your own path. If where you are right now is confusion and uncertainty, then what you need to feel and metabolize is confusion and uncertainty. Through allowing yourself to sit with these feelings, you will emerge on the other side with clarity.

Too many people spend too many years seeking outside of themselves, instead of looking within.

They imagine that the perfect job will give them the right identity, that the ideal partner will hand them the life they always wanted. They assume that home is a place they discover, when really, it is a space they create.

You are at home within your bones, and eventually, you’ll begin to accept that you are where you’re supposed to be.

There are more potential partners out in the world than you could ever imagine, and when the time is right, you’ll find the one that’s right for you.

Your life purpose is not just one thing, it’s a collection of things, some you act on every day, some that won’t come to fruition for many years. When you’re ready, you’ll arrive at the intersection of your interests and talents and you will find the gift you were always meant to give the world.

You can’t rush this.

You aren’t supposed to have every answer on demand.

It’s not that you have to search your soul to know what’s right, but that you are developing your persona to fully inhabit and embrace all that your soul wants to create and experience.

You are already on the right path, because there is nowhere else you could possibly be.

Whatever you are learning in this season is what you need to learn. Whatever you are feeling is what you need to feel. Whatever you are realizing is what you need to realize.

Your life does not begin one day when you figure out every answer, it is a constant unfolding.

One day, you just wake up and realize it.

Originally written by Brianna Weist

Reminder: A Healthy Mindset Is Not Believing That Everything Is Perfect

What is a healthy mindset?

A healthy mindset is being okay with trying, even if you aren’t the best. It is accepting that you don’t have to like everyone you meet and that they don’t have to take up any space in your mind or life if you don’t want them to. It means honoring when you aren’t feeling productive, and giving yourself the rest you need. It means pushing yourself when you know that you can stand to go a little farther. It means getting very good at discerning the difference.

The mistake most people are aiming for isn’t a healthy mindset, it’s the kind of perfectionistic nonsense that’s breaking them in the first place.

It does not mean that you do everything correctly on the first try. It does not mean you are able to intuit exactly what’s “right” for you without trying and failing sometimes. It does not mean that you will be seamlessly, unendingly productive, or that you’ll immediately like everyone you meet, and never have an ounce of self-doubt again.

A healthy mindset is not believing that everything is perfect, it is knowing that you will be okay even if it isn’t.

Most people live their lives thinking that just because they aren’t doing everything perfectly, that there’s something wrong with them. That they just need to be unblocked, healed, purged and awakened into some greater understanding that will make them the super beings they think they want to be.

That is not what healing is. That is not what awakening is.

Developing a healthy mindset is no longer avoiding, denying or rejecting discomfort, and it is knowing when discomfort is worth it. It is understanding that life is not perfect and never will be, and it is the willingness to live anyway. It is the knowledge that people are not always trustworthy, and it is the willingness to try anyway. It is realizing that you might not always get things right the first time, and it is the willingness to do them anyway. It is the acceptance that you are not a perfect being, and it is the recognition that you never needed to be anyway.

A healthy mindset means knowing that you have the power to build the life you want, and it is the wisdom to know when you’re wasting that energy on the things you don’t. It is not believing you are the best person in the room, it is being okay even though you aren’t. It is not competing with people until you arise victoriously and on top, it is remembering that everyone has their own path, and you cannot beat someone on their journey of self-development.

Be active. At the same time, focus on yourself.

I Am Slowly Learning That The Only Person I Am In Competition With Is Myself

I am slowly learning that the only place that the competition for being a good and worthy person exists is in my own mind.

I am slowly learning that every time being “better than” someone or something else motivates me, it’s because I don’t have my own motivations.

I am slowly learning that the only person I am in a competition with is myself. Not only because the only thing I should compare myself to is my past, but because competing with other people is something that breeds from fear and insecurity.

I am slowly learning that the only person who is judging me is me – and I am slowly learning that there’s no prize for winning this.

When you are in competition with someone in your mind, you are not trying to be better than them. You are trying to re-define your self-image comparatively. You don’t feel good enough on your own, and so you have to grift off of the perceived inadequacy of someone else.

It’s not really a competition and it never was. It was just you telling yourself that there’s no way for you to feel good about something on your own, and so at least if you can be better than someone else, you’re okay.

It is unsustainable. It keeps you in a war with yourself. It makes you resistant to change. It makes you not want to succeed because you don’t want to be back on the battlefield.

If you can imagine your best, highest and most loving self, they aren’t sitting around thinking at least I’ve got more than (so-and-so). Of course they aren’t. They are happy on their own. The less happy you are, the more you need other people to be.

The competition exists for an imaginary audience in your mind. It exists for a faceless group of “people.” The secret is that those people are a projection of how you really feel. It’s the safer way to express your suppressed feelings about worthiness.

Winning the competition in our minds does not improve us, it degrades us. It gives a false high and forces us to keep leveling our worth against someone else’s.

More importantly, it does not move our lives forward. It drives us toward working against others, which almost always means we aren’t working for the true betterment of ourselves.

If you need envy, jealousy, and superiority to drive you, you should take a good, hard look at what you’re moving toward.

What needs to change isn’t how hard you try. You don’t need to augment your willpower. You have to be very, very honest with yourself about what it is you think you want and why it is that deep down, you actually don’t.

It means you also have to be honest about the ways in which your life is not fulfilling you. They teach you in middle school that bullies are the people who are suffering most, but when you’re the bully and the victim, the answer is that you’re not giving yourself something you need. You’re not building the life you really want.

So instead of wondering what would incite the envy of everyone you know, dream of what would feel so good you wouldn’t be able to stop and think of their opinions for a second. Imagine what would be so gratifying that even if you lost every pretend competition in your mind, it wouldn’t matter.

Imagine what it would take to be blissfully happy even if you weren’t the smartest, happiest, most successful person in the room. The reality is if you want to live by comparisons, you never will be anyway. There will always be someone next to whom you feel inferior.

The only person you are fighting is yourself. And when you’re on both sides of the battlefield, even when you win, you lose.

Guest post by Brianna Weist

You’re Not Supposed To Have Every Answer, So Stop Trying To Race To The Finish Line

Guest post.

You are not supposed to know everything right now.

You are not supposed to have every goal achieved and every decision made as quickly as you can.

You are not meant to race to the finish line of your life.

There is a pace to life that we have to honor. We cannot cut to the end of the story, we cannot demand it all at once, and we should not stress that we have not hit every milestone as early as possible.

There is a pace to life, and when we begin to see that there is a unique timing for everything, we begin to trust it more than we doubt it.

Sometimes, things don’t happen the moment we want them to because we are just not ready yet.

Sometimes, we have to learn how to handle little bits of success, so we are ready when they become massive. Sometimes, we have to learn to be okay by ourselves first, so we don’t ruin a relationship with unhealthy attachment. Sometimes, we have to learn to handle little criticisms here and there, so we’re ready when life takes off and people are really watching.

Sometimes, we just have more growing to do than we realize, and life always honors that — even if it lets you down in the moment. Just because you aren’t going as quickly as you thought does not mean you aren’t on your way.

There is no virtue to peaking too young. There is no real ambition that should culminate immediately after you’ve conceived of it. The real work is a lifelong commitment to excellence and the pursuit of a strong foundation, and a thriving soul.

You do not need to know everything that is in front of you yet.

When you set out on a road trip at night, you don’t expect your headlights to shine all the way through the darkness, miles and miles ahead of you, straight to your destination. All you can see is what is directly ahead of you, and that’s all you need to see. If you keep taking the next right step, you will arrive.

This is true even if you run into a roadblock along the way. You wouldn’t turn your car around because you couldn’t pass. You’d find another road. The same is true of your life journey.

Right now, you don’t feel lost because you actually have no idea where your life is going. You feel lost because you’re in transition. You have planted, or maybe sprouted, but not yet bloomed.

But you do not expect a bud to bloom on command. You bury its seed deeply, water it and give it light — and then you let it do what it was created to do, in its own time.

You are the exact same way.

Keep stepping forward. Take one right step, and then the next one. You do not have to have all the answers, you do not need to be your most perfect self right at this exact moment in time.

Sometimes, the growth process brings us somewhere unexpected, better than we conceived of originally. Sometimes, it delivers us right where we always wanted to be, as the people who are ready to step into the life we’ve been getting ready for.

The path is the process.

Trust it.

Credit: Brianna Weist

Please Remember Your Instagram Isn’t Going To Flash Before Your Eyes When You Die

When you get to the end of your life, you aren’t going to be scrolling back through your posts, reminiscing.

You aren’t going to think back to the years that made you who you were and feel thankful that you were able to document them so well on a coordinating grid.

You aren’t going to replay the most important moments of your life and remember yourself pausing to make sure that you shared that dinner, that date, that trip, that achievement.

It’s not that social media isn’t important — it is. It connects us, it mobilizes us, it educates us, and it brings us together.

But it also eclipses our vision in some ways.

Specifically this one: the purpose of your life is not to have a gorgeous Instagram account. I’m sorry, but it’s not. It could be a very fortune and enjoyable perk of living the life of your dreams, but it is not, in itself, the reason why you are alive.

Don’t believe me?

Imagine if you died tomorrow, and had a few last moments to reflect on your life.

You usually don’t recall the big moments, the graduations or wedding days. In fact, what comes to mind is the ordinary things, the day to day joys of being alive. Playing with your toys when you were a kid, moving through your routine in high school, the work you were passionate about in college, sharing nameless hours together with the person you love most.

None of this is to devalue your presence online. It’s important, it’s a business for some people, and it’s really validating for others.

This is only to help you relax a bit, to let go of feeling anxious that you weren’t quite able to portray yourself as well as others. Sometimes, we can confuse this for actually not living a good life.

I am sorry to tell you this but most people who are extremely successful are not posting about every nice dinner, trip or shopping outing. Jay Z is not telling you every time he acquires a new investment; your favorite authors aren’t showing you their royalty checks; the celebrities you think you know are probably going out of their way to avoid sharing anything too personal on their own feeds.

Instagram is not real life, it is just a series of updates about life, that are often turned into art and commodity.

This is not a bad thing, but rather, a reminder that you should not waste another moment of your life trying to make your greatest ambition how well you can appear to other people.

Nobody is looking, because they’re too busy evaluating their own images.

Live your life first, and capture it second.

When you get to the end of your life, you are not going to wish you had posted to Instagram more.

In fact, in 15 years, when we’re all onto the next platform, you’ll probably look back and laugh at all the staged photos and hashtags.

Enjoy it while it’s here, but enjoy what matters most, which is your life. That has an expiration date, too.

This is a guest post and much credit to Brianna Weist.

The Truth About Changing Your Life Is That It Is Often Means Doing Less, Not More

The beginning of a self-transformation requires action, but the end of it requires something deeper, something harder, something you’ve probably never realized before.

While doing more will almost always generate results, there’s an untapped, life-changing magic in doing less.

Sometimes, your problems don’t come from what you’re not doing, they come from what you can’t stop doing.

To really change your life, you probably need to consume less. You probably need to learn to use what you have, to take a breath and stop yourself every time you think you need that one new perfect thing that will magically transform you into a new person.

You probably need to spend less. You probably need to reevaluate your patterns and behaviors and refocus on your long-term goals, prioritizing your future comfort over your immediate gratification.

You probably need to engage less, both with people who are not mentally mature and people whom do not have any intention of having a civil discourse with you. This is not because you can’t speak freely, but because having an exchange with someone whose intent is to fight you rather than connect with you will always be a losing situation.

You probably need to change less. When we start out on our healing journey, it’s about uprooting, replanting, and sprouting. But if you’re unhealed beneath the surface, you won’t be able to lay roots without wanting to rip them out again. Healing, you will find, is not about how many times you can start over, it is whether to not you can bloom.

You probably need to care less. When your mind is consumed with trying to master and perfect every single little thing in your life, you get overwhelmed and give up. Instead, you have to focus on the few things that are actually requiring your attention, and then build from there.

You probably need to do less. Not because you shouldn’t be productive, but because you only have so much energy in a day, and when you spend it on things you don’t really care much about, you find yourself constantly exhausted, drained and at your wit’s end.

You probably need to have fewer expectations. Often, we conflate that with having high standards, but they aren’t the same thing. Unrealistic expectations will slowly wreck you, because they require that you achieve perfection immediately. When your expectation is that you should be a natural-born master of whatever you try to do, it becomes really hard to show up and do the work consistently, which is what you actually have to do to achieve mastery.

You probably need to not try so hard. When you try to force people to like you, it usually has the opposite effect. When you try to convince yourself you’re attractive, you usually seem less so. When you are trying to force every outcome in your life, there’s usually a reason they aren’t coming together on their own.

You probably need to give fewer excuses. Not because you’re going to be unkind to yourself, but because the kindest thing you can possibly do is stop avoiding the honest truth about what’s wrong. You cannot keep trying to positive-self-talk your way into thinking you love your life when you do not. When we’re ready to make fewer justifications, it means we’re also ready to make greater change.

The truth about doing less is that it’s going to bring you into stillness. It is going to require you to face that discomfort you’ve been running from head-on.

The truth is that when we first realize we need to change our lives, it is easy to get swept away in the escape fantasy of it all. Everything has to go, and nothing can stay. There’s an addictive quality to starting over, and if you’re not careful, you can confuse it for actually healing.

Truly getting better is learning to be okay where you are, wherever you are. It is actually metabolizing that discomfort for once, listening to it, letting it show you where you are deeply misaligned.

It is to become grounded, to make positive decisions for the long-term, to start breaking those destructive habits that have been fueled by the pain you haven’t quite had a name for all these years.

It is to no longer be controlled by your feelings, but by your ambitions, by your dreams for the future.

When you go about changing your life, sometimes, the most radical shift of all is to do absolutely nothing — and wait for the sun to rise.

Despite What People Say, Your Reputation Is Just As Important As Your Character

Hey guys!

As I was surfing the internet as always for inspiration, I stumbled on this piece that will blow your minds out. At first when I was reading through, it was as if everything was all about me. Am sure reading through also can relate to you too.

Conventional wisdom tells us that your character should matter more than your reputation. After all, one is who you really are, while the other is just what other people perceive you to be.

While there’s certainly virtue in knowing that no misperception of you can really impact the truth of who you are, it is a false notion to think that we don’t have to care what other people think about us.

However, we hear the opposite as a rally-cry all the time.

It doesn’t matter what other people think!

Except it does, because everything you want in life involves other people.

Now, small-minded people who are intent on disliking you for their own prejudiced reasons are not what we’re talking about. No, we’re not even talking about the people who dislike you for legitimate reasons.

Your reputation does matter as much as your character because the way people perceive you is who they imagine you to be, and who they imagine you to be determines how they will interact with you, what they offer you, whether or not they want to work with you, and whether or not they show up for you.

You cannot behave like a social pariah and then just fall back on the idea that it “doesn’t matter what other people think” because you’re a good person at heart.

All that goodness will be for nothing if you aren’t actively considering the opinions of others. No, not so they can weigh you down and stop you from pursuing your goals, but because when other people have a consensus about you, you’re typically the common denominator.

It matters what the people in your close circle think.

It matters what your partner thinks.

It matters what the people you love think.

If everyone in your life thinks you’re making a mistake, you might really need to take a moment to consider whether or not you might be. If everyone in your life is warning you about your new partner, you might need to take a moment to consider if perhaps they have a point. If everyone in your life seems to have the same problems with you, for the same reasons, in the same patterns, at the same frequencies, you might really need to take a moment and determine whether or not the world is just crazy and out to get you or if, perhaps, there’s also a pattern in your behaviour.

It’s easy to not care what other people think.

It’s convenient, actually.

It totally lets us off the hook, it allows us to validate our own motives and desires without any real consideration for those around us.

The work is not that we completely neglect our own needs and opinions in favour of other people’s.

The work is that we both advocate for and tend to our own needs, honour our own opinions, and still remain cognizant of how people are responding to us.

If you want to get anywhere in life, you have to be a reasonably likable person, or at the bare minimum, not impossible to work with, difficult to connect with, or challenging to love.

And to do that, we have to think about what other people are thinking. Not so their opinions of us can become our own, but so that their opinions of us can inform our own.

In all, I appreciate one of my mentors and excellent writer Brianna Weist for always coming through whenever I need a push in my life. Her piece of work is very deep and encouraging. Also it’s a privilege to always acknowledge your work on my page.

Your Life Becomes The Sum Of What You Tolerate

In an ideal world, life would amount to the sum of our intentions.

Good things would happen to good people; we’d be measured by our heart and depth and character.

While this is true to some degree — life is undoubtedly kinder toward those who are kind to it — the truth is that your intentions don’t amount to your outcomes. Just wanting something badly enough does not qualify you to have it, simply believing that you’re capable of more does not mean you will actually achieve more.

In the end, your life amounts to the sum of what you tolerate.

It is defined by what you allow.

You are treated as well as you allow other people to treat you. When you set boundaries or cut off contact with those who do not meet those expectations, you are setting the standard for relationships in your life.

You achieve as much as you allow yourself to pursue. You create as often as you are willing to show up, and to begin.

You grow as much as you allow yourself to feel uncomfortable. We often think that it is discomfort that holds us back from becoming who we want to be, when in fact, that feeling, once truly acknowledged, will point us in the direction that we need to create change.

If you are willing to tolerate mistreatment, you will be mistreated.

If you are willing to tolerate unhappiness, you will remain unhappy.

If you are willing to tolerate dissatisfaction, you will remain dissatisfied.

Your life only truly becomes your own on the day that you decide you will not — for another second of your existence — tolerate less than you know you are capable of having, doing less than you are capable of doing, and being less than you are capable of being.

The truth is that nobody else is going to give this to you.

Nobody is going to wake you up to this fact.

Nobody is going to sit you down and give you a power point presentation about your worth and potential, and nobody is going to strategize a way to make it a reality.

The only way it is going to happen is if you decide you are no longer going to be okay with excuses, empty words or broken dreams. It is only going to happen if you decide that you will no longer tolerate anything less than the outcomes you want, and the life you dream of.

Your life becomes the sum of what you tolerate, so stop tolerating less than you desire.

Guest post from Brianna Weist

The Truth About Transforming Your Life Is That It Is Often Means Doing Less, Not More

The beginning of a self-transformation requires action, but the end of it requires something deeper, something harder, something you’ve probably never realized before.

While doing more will almost always generate results, there’s an untapped, life-changing magic in doing less.

Sometimes, your problems don’t come from what you’re not doing, they come from what you can’t stop doing.

To really change your life, you probably need to consume less. You probably need to learn to use what you have, to take a breath and stop yourself every time you think you need that one new perfect thing that will magically transform you into a new person.

You probably need to spend less. You probably need to reevaluate your patterns and behaviors and refocus on your long-term goals, prioritizing your future comfort over your immediate gratification.

You probably need to engage less, both with people who are not mentally mature and people whom do not have any intention of having a civil discourse with you. This is not because you can’t speak freely, but because having an exchange with someone whose intent is to fight you rather than connect with you will always be a losing situation.

You probably need to change less. When we start out on our healing journey, it’s about uprooting, replanting, and sprouting. But if you’re unhealed beneath the surface, you won’t be able to lay roots without wanting to rip them out again. Healing, you will find, is not about how many times you can start over, it is whether to not you can bloom.

You probably need to care less. When your mind is consumed with trying to master and perfect every single little thing in your life, you get overwhelmed and give up. Instead, you have to focus on the few things that are actually requiring your attention, and then build from there.

You probably need to do less. Not because you shouldn’t be productive, but because you only have so much energy in a day, and when you spend it on things you don’t really care much about, you find yourself constantly exhausted, drained and at your wit’s end.

You probably need to have fewer expectations. Often, we conflate that with having high standards, but they aren’t the same thing. Unrealistic expectations will slowly wreck you, because they require that you achieve perfection immediately. When your expectation is that you should be a natural-born master of whatever you try to do, it becomes really hard to show up and do the work consistently, which is what you actually have to do to achieve mastery.

You probably need to not try so hard. When you try to force people to like you, it usually has the opposite effect. When you try to convince yourself you’re attractive, you usually seem less so. When you are trying to force every outcome in your life, there’s usually a reason they aren’t coming together on their own.

You probably need to give fewer excuses. Not because you’re going to be unkind to yourself, but because the kindest thing you can possibly do is stop avoiding the honest truth about what’s wrong. You cannot keep trying to positive-self-talk your way into thinking you love your life when you do not. When we’re ready to make fewer justifications, it means we’re also ready to make greater change.

The truth about doing less is that it’s going to bring you into stillness. It is going to require you to face that discomfort you’ve been running from head-on.

The truth is that when we first realize we need to change our lives, it is easy to get swept away in the escape fantasy of it all. Everything has to go, and nothing can stay. There’s an addictive quality to starting over, and if you’re not careful, you can confuse it for actually healing.

Truly getting better is learning to be okay where you are, wherever you are. It is actually metabolizing that discomfort for once, listening to it, letting it show you where you are deeply misaligned.

It is to become grounded, to make positive decisions for the long-term, to start breaking those destructive habits that have been fueled by the pain you haven’t quite had a name for all these years.

It is to no longer be controlled by your feelings, but by your ambitions, by your dreams for the future.

When you go about changing your life, sometimes, the most radical shift of all is to do absolutely nothing — and wait for the sun to rise.

This is a guest post from Brianna Weist.

The People You Envy Are Not Your Enemies, They Are Your Mentors

This is a guest post.

Envy is a shadow emotion.

It’s the dark side of desire, and it shields itself as so many different things.

We often don’t realize that we’re jealous of someone until it’s boiled over into an anger so hot, we are forced to stop and ask ourselves why we are so lost in rage.

We often don’t realize that we’re jealous of someone because the people we are jealous of often aren’t superhuman. There are enough beautiful people in the world that we could envy, but we don’t, because the people whose lives we most deeply covet are the ones that are most similar to our own.

In that is the lesson.

The people we envy are not our enemies, they are our mentors.

They are our mentors because what they are really showing us is what we aren’t allowing ourselves to have.

What they are really showing us is the depth of our desire.

What they are really giving us is clarity.

The people we envy are our mentors because envy itself is an enlightening, guiding emotion. It shows us what we want for ourselves, and think we can’t have. It shows us what we want to pursue, but think we aren’t able. It shows us what we want to have, but assume we don’t deserve.

When we someone who has what we really want, instead of reconciling our own desire, we try to suppress them as well.

We try to humanize and villianize them. We try to find fault wherever we can. Instead of allowing their lives to be proof that what we want is possible, we instead deny that they could possibly have achieved that which we are so convinced we ourselves could never have.

Instead of recognizing that our envy is showing us the places in which we want to grow, we displace the feeling, and blame someone else instead.

You do not want the exact life that someone else has.

You want whatever it is they are giving themselves permission to have, to feel, and to pursue.

Maybe you see someone else in a relationship. It’s not that you want to be with their exact partner, it’s that you also want to put yourself out there and find someone who matters to you. Maybe you see someone who is attractive. It’s not that you want to look exactly like them, it’s that you want to feel good about who you are. It’s not that you want exactly what they have, it’s that you want permission.

That’s why we’re more likely to be jealous of our peers than we are a celebrity. We’re more likely to envy the people just close enough to us than the people far away — even if those people are the ones who have far more than we could ever imagine.

We don’t covet it because what we envy are the lives that are ever so slightly elevated from our own. They’re just out of reach, but not so impossibly far away that they seem unrealistic.

That’s the thing about envy: underneath it all, the thing we most deeply desire is also the thing that we know, at some level, we are capable of having.

What we want is not to suppress someone else’s joy.

What we want is not to take away someone else’s success.

What we want is not to deny someone else’s love.

What we want is to allow ourselves to pursue what we know is within our reach.

What we want is to allow that envy to show us exactly what we want, and then to dissolve the limiting beliefs that are preventing us from having it.

When we envy someone, we are actually getting a lesson in our own desires.

Source: Brianna Weist

8 Signs You’re Not Stuck, You’re Just More Comfortable Playing Small

Sometimes, the problem isn’t that you’re incapable of going after what you want, or that you’re being held back by some other force beyond your control.

Sometimes, the biggest issue in your life is that you’re more comfortable playing small even though you know you’re capable of a lot more. Here, the telltale signs you’re underplaying your potential in a really significant way.

1. You’re vague about what you do.

It’s not that you don’t know what you do, rather, you subconsciously eschew details because you’re afraid of being judged.
When you create grey area, there’s space to go back, correct yourself, adjust yourself to someone else’s expectations and needs. But it all comes at the cost of being untrue to yourself.

2. You have a lot of internal conflict.

You’re stuck in a sort of limbo that only happens when you at once know everything you could be doing, and yet, at the same time, are attached to playing safe.

3. You see your peers capitalizing on their skills in a way you know you’re also capable of.

You recognize that there’s so much potential for you to create a life you really love and are proud of, and you know because you see others doing it all the time.
However, for some reason, you just can’t quite motivate yourself to join them yet. You’re still too filled with doubt, or you’re really attached to being a lesser version of yourself, because you imagine that person to be better liked.

4. You work yourself to the point of exhaustion.
Truly successful people don’t do this, because they know three things:
— How to manage their time.
— How to delete responsibilities.
— That they do not need to prove their importance or worth.

5. You don’t have a top 3 goal list for this year.

You’re more or less just floating, and seeing where life takes you, rather than having a set of specific, overarching goals your daily routines are moving you closer toward.

6. You don’t know your personal “tagline.”

You should be able to summarize who you are and what you do within a sentence or two. Not because you are so uncomplicated that you can be distilled down into a few words, but because true, complete clarity is absolutely essential to success.

7. You’re afraid of being “seen.”

You still carry around the fear of what other people from your past would think of your future successes, and you resist putting yourself, or your work, out there out of fear that others would disapprove.
The fear of being “seen” and standing out from others is natural and normal, but it doesn’t come up unless you already know you have something that sets you apart, something that would absolutely get people’s attention.

8. You have as much anxiety about being successful as you do failing.

For as much as you worry about potentially not succeeding, you likewise have as much anxiety about what it would mean to have everything you want.

Whether it’s the fear that you could lose it, or that other people would begin to dislike you, or that you’d simply leave your comfort zone, it’s imperative to realize that successful people grant themselves permission to be successful. They intentionally allow their lives to be good. It’s definitely an adjustment, one that deep down, you know you’re ready to make.

10 Practical Ways To Stop Involving Yourself With Negative Things

10 Practical ways to stop involving yourself with Negative Things

Good morning guys, trust your night and weekend was great. Welcome to a week of productivity and results.

I was going through my pad and sae this old post I initially wanted to post but probably forgot. It’s a post originally written by Brianna Weist

1. Be with people you can be honest around, or don’t be around them at all.

If you trace the beginnings of the ends of any relationships you’ve been in, I guarantee it probably had something to do with someone cutting off honesty and/or communication. (The two go hand-in-hand.)
The second you cannot say to someone “I think what you’re doing is wrong,” “I’m upset with how you’re treating me,” “I’m scared and here’s why,” “I’m having doubts and these are what they are,” or “I love you but I don’t love this thing you do,” is the second it’s going to fail.
You end up expending all of your energy pretending to be someone you’re not, and it’s not helping anybody. Only ever telling people what they want to hear verbally placates them into their same old habits, their same old ways, and nothing changes. This doesn’t mean you have to be rude. This doesn’t mean to throw effective, healthy communication out the window; there’s a difference.
If you cannot be honest with someone and have your thoughts and opinions heard, be around other people who you can. They’re out there.
If you pretend for long enough, you only end up losing yourself.

2. Stop keeping things in your life because you just don’t want to go through the stress or discomfort of letting them go.

Up to and including: friends you don’t genuinely want to spend time with, on-again-off-again flings that won’t amount to anything other than your own pain, exchanges that leave you exhausted and frustrated, resentment over things you can’t change, subscriptions to magazines that make you hate yourself, social media connections that do not add anything to your day, the phone numbers of the people you always have to text first (if at all) and love for the people who will never love you back.

3. Stop ruminating on the old and start building the new.

The second a negative thought or crippling memory crops up, don’t entertain it and allow yourself to sink further down the rabbit hole of all things could-have-been and should-have-been. Analyze what about the situation makes you uncomfortable, and figure out how you can apply what you wish you would have done to your life now. Don’t just “vow” to be different, figure out how you can actively, consciously do so. If you apply it correctly, it’s the healthiest, most effective coping mechanism around.

4. Play by the “if you’re going to forget about it in a year from now, don’t waste your energy worrying about it now” rule.

If you look back on your life, you will probably realize that you have mentally divided it into segments during which you worried compulsively about the outcome of something that either worked itself out or wouldn’t matter in a relatively short period of time.
Simply: if you look back, you’ll realize that no feeling was ever final, and you wasted your time concerning yourself with issues that weren’t either.
It’ll give you the perspective to work cultivating that mindset now, before you’re looking back on these years and thinking the same things.

5. Don’t allow your “no” to be the beginning of a negotiation.

You get as much respect as you demand. You teach people how to treat you. If you don’t feel that your wants or needs are being understood or respected, find a way to communicate them better, and then learn what it means for you to draw lines — even if that’s as serious as completely walking away. It’s not a matter of giving up easily, it’s a matter of knowing what you’re not going to permit.

6. There’s not one person on this planet that’s like, “yeah, this is exactly how I thought it would go.” Stop projecting a future based on what you believe in now.

The unknown is scary. So scary, in fact, that we decide things about our futures based on what we can conceive of being possible now, and the fault in this is that we get attached to an outcome that isn’t necessarily most right for us.
We tend to be surprised by what we get in place of what we thought we wanted. Even the concept of relinquishing future control just comes across as another elusive platitude, but it’s really, really important. It’s the only way to free yourself from impending suffering.

7. Learn what it means to view everything objectively, in light of what it will ultimately amount to in the bigger picture.

This whole world isn’t indebted to you, but nor is it out to get you. People aren’t usually “against” things, they’re just for themselves. People think of you far less than you worry about them doing so. Your perspective is just one of them. You are a speck in the span of infinity. Remember how small you are.

8. Don’t expect to receive that which you don’t communicate you want.

You get what you have the courage to ask for.

9. Don’t let one thing define you.

There is not one decision or day or instance that makes you who you are. You are what you repeatedly do. The only thing that isn’t normal is to pretend that you never struggle, have never suffered, never feel anything but happiness, etc. You’re supposed to ebb and flow, you shouldn’t want it any other way. It means you’re alive, you’re invested in things that matter, you made mistakes but you made an effort regardless, and you’re not emotionally or otherwise stunted, as would be the case if you didn’t feel remorse or sadness or grief.

10. Realize that the problem is always you.

Now that sounds harsh, and I imagine a slew of you will want to rise and disagree, and I get that, but to be really honest with you, that’s the problem.

Here’s the thing: you are the only thing you can control. If you are upset with a situation, you cannot force people into changing to suit your wants and needs, so you have to change what you can control: whether or not you’re removing yourself from it, asserting yourself, or changing your mindset about how you’re going to approach it.

If you aren’t doing so — the problem is you.

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Ways To Make Peace With The Things You Can’t Change

1. You stop assuming what you lose is for the worst. I just realized that I lost my favorite book of all time. I’ve had it for two years. The pages are barely hanging on by threads, and it’s filled with notes and thoughts and underlined sentences and paragraphs. I’m pretty sure I left it in a coffee shop. My friend turned to me today and said: “It’s okay. Somebody who needed it — and your notes — got it. It was time to pass it on, and buy a new one, to highlight the things you didn’t see before.”

2. You stop assuming you know best. Inarguably, I am an idiot when it comes to my own life. I admit to this. I will be the first to laugh and tell you all the ways I’ve screwed up. I have wanted relationships that were objectively terrible for me, questioned the things that were so genuinely best for me it’s perplexing how one could mistake them. I’ve sullied my own happiness with worry, tried to control that which I couldn’t. Of everything, do you know what I’m most grateful for in this world? The fact that it never listened to me and some other force lead me to where I am. I am so grateful I never got what I thought I deserved. It’s the only thing I can bring myself to consider when I similarly believe that I’m wrongfully not getting something I want now.

3. You meditate on impermanence. Maybe not through literal, actual meditation (though that would be great of course) you have to remind yourself that the root of suffering is not just the impermanence of things, but our attachment to the things that are inevitably not going to last. If something isn’t enough for you in the time that you have it — be it a day, a month, a year — it’s never going to be enough. At the end of the day, you can’t keep it forever. You’d be losing it sooner or later. What’s more important is whether or not you appreciated having it in the first place.

4. You consider what you can change externally. Granted, external control is an illusion that will ultimately fail us all; attachment is a river that inevitably runs dry. But sometimes when you’re treading water, you need a little something to hold onto, no matter how temporary it is or mildly delusional you are for it. If there’s something you can externally change about your situation, do so. If there’s something you can say, a line you can draw, an opinion that’s yet to be voiced, go ahead and make sure you’ve exhausted all your options.

5. And then you focus on what you can change internally. I said this once (I don’t remember what article it was in, sorry) and I stand by it: most little things can be solved with a nap, a drink or a long talk with someone who wants to listen, and most big things have to be solved with an inner reconciliation. Allow that of yourself.

6. You face it until it doesn’t hurt anymore. I once heard someone explain our grown up fears as being similar to how we were afraid of the monster in the closet when we were little. All we really have to do is shine a light inside and realize that there’s nothing there. This kind of acknowledgment is different from attaching to it and creating and manifesting it in your life. It is different than holding onto a perception and then making it your reality. This is just acknowledging what is, and saying it out loud again and again and again until it the weight wanes off. Anybody who has done this can tell you how much it eases your heart and chest and soul. Don’t let the nonexistent monsters haunt you because you just don’t want to open the door.